<LinearA> so my boss emails me this resume for a 10AM interview <LinearA> within 5 mins I trace the email address to a handle to an adultfriendfinder account. <LinearA> !! Why can't people be more careful !! <LinearA> "Need Hot Top To Fill Me UP!!"
<hobosexual> i reckon im going to hell <Caedes> I know how to tell if someone is gong to hell or not. <Caedes> Q. Are you religious ? <hobosexual> yes <Caedes> A. You're going to hell <hobosexual> makes sense.
<Tanzarian> well that's a blow to the confidence <Tanzarian> some religious guys just came to my door and as they were leaving they left a little magazine thing <Tanzarian> he looked through his pile for a while and ended up giving me one on the evils of masterbation ... <Tanzarian> I really should stop answering the door naked with a massive erection
<n00b> how do i make $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ fast!! plz plz plzzzz tell meeeeeee!!!! <piezocake> Get Vi and type 22i$<esc>
<Scythe`> What's the worst thing about being a redneck ? <Scythe`> Tasting your dad's semen when you're eating out your sister <Galdor> iim thinking.... how would you recognise it as your dads?
Helene: Someone attacked Pearl Harbor?! Helene: When?! Helene: My Cousin is stationed there Helene: omg omg omg Helene: Was it bad? Pigtail II: Helen we're talking about WWII
<barnacle> rape and sex are really the same thing <SaxxonPike> Not exactly <SaxxonPike> Well I can't think of the difference right now <SaxxonPike> But I think rape is the bad one that you always see in the news <SaxxonPike> Much like the difference between "nigga" and "nigger" I guess <SaxxonPike> One is somehow bad, it's all in how you say it <barnacle> i see
The_Dv8or: damnit The_Dv8or: I was in my Jersey office today, waiting for a file to download The_Dv8or: theyre separate from my company domain... I was bored, and I know they dont monitor Web surfing, and I was on my personal laptop, so I started surfing porn The_Dv8or: then I just realized.... I had my corporate domain VPN connected the whole time
qreepyboris: However, I can tell you with authority that my French extra credit project is going to ROCK qreepyboris: We're making a film of a few shortish skits in French qreepyboris: And one of them is so awesome qreepyboris: Schindler and Santa accidentally mix up their naughty and nice lists. :-) qreepyboris: So Santa goes to all the Jews' houses and they're not there, 'cuz they're all in camps qreepyboris: And I haven't read the whole script, but there is no way it can possibly be not funny
Cyclone: o i love pussy ;D McKhaos: i love christmas better McKhaos: it comes around more often
<qu37z> thats the last time I let a mexican live in my garage <qu37z> especially a quaker mexican <qu37z> that fucker gets up at 4am and starts sleeping.
<Sede> I was cleaning out under my waterbed mattress a few years ago and found a razorblade. I was cleaning it out again today and found a 5" long nail. I think I have a suicidal waterbed Sad <Sede> I also found Auto Insurance from Monopoly, and a broken-off mechanical monkey hand. I don't know how this stuff winds up under my waterbed but it is awesome. <Kazz> there isn't Auto Insurance in Monopoly <Kazz> there is in Life though <Sede> The things that wind up under my matress is like the inventory of an old LucasArts adventure game. <Sede> I always stashed Auto Insurance somewhere near when playing Monopoly in case I got the car piece. Then I didn't have to pay taxes. <Sede> I usually got to be the car, because otherwise I'd pick the Scottish-Terrier-riding-a-wheelbarrow-wearing-a-tophat piece, which didn't leave anyone else many options. <Sede> My dad probably shouldn't have given me a soldering iron for my birthday.
<Rose> ahaha...I remember this one time at a tattoo parlour <Rose> and this girl wanted a tattoo on her lower back <Rose> and she told the artist "yeah, I want something symbolic" <Rose> so I wrote "Exit only" in chinese
sweet17: Hi bloodninja: hello bloodninja: who is this? sweet17: just a someone? bloodninja: A someone I know? sweet17: nope bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me? sweet17: well sorrrrrry sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you bloodninja: why? sweet17: nevermind your an jerk bloodninja: Hey wait a minute sweet17: yes? bloodninja: look I m sorry. I m just a little paranoid sweet17: paranoid? bloodninja: yes sweet17: of what? sweet17: me? bloodninja: No. I m in hiding. sweet17: LOL bloodninja: Don t fucking laugh at me! bloodninja: This shit is serious! sweet17: What are you hiding from? bloodninja: The cops. sweet17: gimme a fucking break bloodninja: I m serious. sweet17: I don t get it bloodninja: The cops are after me. sweet17: For what? bloodninja: I m wanted in three states sweet17: For??? bloodninja: It s kindof embarrasing. bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey. bloodninja: Hello? sweet17: You are fucking sick. bloodninja: Send me your picture. sweet17: why? bloodninja: so I know you aren t one of them. sweet17: One of what? bloodninja: The cops. sweet17: I m not a cop i told you bloodninja: Then send me your picture. sweet17: hold on bloodninja: Hurry up. bloodninja: Are you there? bloodninja: fuck you, cop! sweet17: Hey sorry sweet17: I had to do something for my mom. bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me. bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities. bloodninja: Weren t you!? sweet17: thats not it bloodninja: Then what? sweet17: I don t want to send you the picture cause I m not pretty bloodninja: Most cops aren t sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT! bloodninja: Then send me the picture. sweet17: fine. What s your e-mail? bloodninja: Just send it through here. sweet17: alright *PIC* sweet17: Did you get it? bloodninja: Hold on. I m looking. sweet17: That was me back in may sweet17: I ve lost weight since then. bloodninja: I hope so sweet17: what?!? sweet17: that hurt my feelings. bloodninja: Did it? sweet17: Yes. I m not that much smaller than that now. bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture? sweet17: yes bloodninja: Alright let me find it. sweet17: kks bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC* sweet17: this isn t you. bloodninja: I ll be damned if it ain t! sweet17: You don t look like that. bloodninja: How the hell do you know? sweet17: cause your profile has another picture. bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake. bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops. sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy . bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries. sweet17: Go fuck yourself bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture bloodninja: Now my unit won t get hard for a week. sweet17: I shouldn t have sent you that picture. sweet17: You ve done nothing but slam me. sweet17: you hurt me. bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn t hurt me? sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me! bloodninja: Why would I do that? sweet17: I can t believe that cops are after you bloodninja: I can t believe Santa lets you sit on his lap.. sweet17: FUCK YOU!!! bloodninja: You d break both of his legs. sweet17: You re a fucking wanker! sweet17: I ve been teased my whole life because of my weight sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don t even know me bloodninja: Ok. I m sorry. sweet17: No you aren t bloodninja: You re right. I m not. bloodninja: HAARRRRR! sweet17: I m done with you bloodninja: Aww. I m sorry. sweet17: I m putting you on ignore bloodninja: Wait a sec bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot. bloodninja: Wanna start over? sweet17: No bloodninja: I ll eat your kitty sweet17: You ll what? bloodninja: You heard me. bloodninja: I said I d eat your kitty. sweet17: I thought you said you couldn t get it hard after seeing my picture bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty? sweet17: I d like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes bloodninja: Well I m not like most men. bloodninja: I get excited in different ways. sweet17: Like what? bloodninja: Do you really wanna know? sweet17: I don t know bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no. sweet17: I m afraid to bloodninja: Why? sweet17: cause bloodninja: cause why? sweet17: well lets see sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out sweet17: doesn t that seem strange to you? bloodninja: Nope sweet17: well its strange to me bloodninja: Fine. I won t do it if you don t want me to sweet17: I didn t say that bloodninja: So is that a yes? sweet17: I guess so. bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though. bloodninja: Are you willing? sweet17: What do you need me to do? bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate. sweet17: ??? bloodninja: When I start to go limp you say HARRRR!!! bloodninja: ok? bloodninja: Hello? sweet17: You can t be serious bloodninja: Oh yes I am! bloodninja: It s my fantasy. sweet17: this is retarded bloodninja: Do you want it or not? sweet17: Yes I want it. bloodninja: Then you ll do it for me? sweet17: sure bloodninja: Ok. Here we go. bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs. bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty. bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt. sweet17: mmmm yeah bloodninja: uh oh going limp. sweet17: Har bloodninja: You gotta do better than that! bloodninja: Your picture was really bad. sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke. bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth. bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose. bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity. sweet17: mmmmmm you are good bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder bloodninja: going limp sweet17: HARRRRRRR bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands. bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth. bloodninja: going limp sweet17: this is stupid bloodninja: still limp bloodninja: Do it! sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole. bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass. bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass. sweet17: WTF?!?!? bloodninja: They stink really bad. sweet17: OMG STOP!!! bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg. bloodninja: I ram it up your ass. sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!! bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head. bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple bloodninja: I kick you in the face! sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!! bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin bloodninja: Your parrot flys away. bloodninja: going limp again. bloodninja: Hello? bloodninja: Say it! bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!
<Onyxus>: Have you ever been pwned by a 4 year old? I have, and so has my son. <Onyxus>: 1.) I was riding in the car with my family and my daughter (as I have taught her) randomly said "I pwned a noob! " Being a proud father I reached back and said "Gimme five" to which she promptly responded "No you're the noob!" <Onyxus>: 2.) Just today me and the missus were sitting in the living room watching TV while the kids were on the porch playing in their tiny little swimming pool. My son ran up to the back door and was yelling something unintelligible at it, when my daughter ran up behind him and dumped a cup full of water over his head...multiple times. He ran off, most likely to cry in a corner somewhere, and she looked at me through the door and yelled "I pwned a noob Daddy!" <Onyxus>: Words can not describe the pride I feel in how I've brought up my daughter...
Deus_Gear: its time to play Deus_Gear: random kick Deus_Gear: !kick random *** Deus_Gear has been kicked from #illuminati-manga by Deus_Gear: Deus_Gear
<Produkt> how do i put a new picture on the gallery <Pi> ERROR: QUESTION MARK MISSING <Produkt> ? <Pi> ERROR: QUESTION MISSING <Produkt> how do i put a new picture on the gallery? <Pi> ERROR: TOO MANY ATTEMPTS <Produkt> youre a fag <Pi> PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER
paranoidjanitor: so I used the grep command to search through the manual page for the grep command to find the paramater that displays a variable number of lines before the actual output paranoidjanitor: and the paramaters are all on the previous lines, so I ended up having to search through the manual by hand anyway
<FBS> how do you know the exact version of bind ? <FBS> fuck those who answer bind -v or some other bullshit <eb> bind -v <ghoz> other bullshit
<ClayJar_Zzz> AAAAAAAARGH!! I just saw a comercial for Disney's Finding Nemo on ice, and let me tell you, it was exceedingly disturbing. <pjpreb> how so? <ClahJar_Zzz> It was like seeing big fish impaled on ice skating mimes.
<@k9s> cottage cheese is the curdled milk solids before the cheese is made. <@k9s> its like 0-day cheese
<chicken_on_fire> i jammed my memory stick backwards and shorted out the mobo <Mouser> o shit <chicken_on_fire> what're the chances of that happening? <Mouser> 1/1, apparently
<NeloAngelo> i'm pretty sure my foot is broke ^.^ <NateZeiro> then goto a doctor <NeloAngelo> those quacks cost money <NateZeiro> then goto guatemala
dazed: yeah my mom caught my brother jacking off to Powerpuff Girls dazed: she didnt yell at him because she was laughing so hard dazed: she just told everyone at his birthday party the next day BaileD: You have the most fucked up family ever. Period.
<DuEy> my grandparents just asked me to send an email to my cousin :\ and they gave me the postal address
<mwcfan88> man i really got tan over the past few days <crack-geanie> alright thats it you've been warned now you're out of the club <crack-geanie> i expect you to return you're pointy hat and flaming cross by tuesday <mwcfan88> <:(
<TheGardener[Woo]> was buying new trainers... a kid walked by and said to his dad "wow he looks like beckham", the kids dad says "put your glasses back on" :|
<OMFG> Aw man, i'm almost at my download limit...i dont wanna get shaped to 64k :( <OMFG> Do you think I could like, ration out 24MB <OMFG> To last 6 days?
<ChasmyrSS> They MUST import because all local resources have been tapped out. <Marcus_> this conversation just rose above my pay grade.
<DaWiteBuddha> im leaving for your house now <AlazrianLeth> take your time, i have to bathe <DaWiteBuddha> how long does that take <AlazrianLeth> depends <DaWiteBuddha> ballpark? <AlazrianLeth> wrigley field <DaWiteBuddha> ...god i actually shook my fist at the screen...
<Frankstar> I am so fucking pissed. This one guy sold me his air guitar on ebay for 70 dollars and I still havent fucking received shit.
<[BAD]Beef> I AM SO SMART <[BAD]Beef> follow my reasoning <[BAD]Beef> my comp has no floppy drive <[BAD]Beef> so I go downstairs to make a boot floppy on another comp <[BAD]Beef> I come back in my room with the floppy in my hand <[BAD]Beef> and bang my head against the wall
<su|school> Last period, we were talking about meth with some public speaker. <su|school> ... <su|school> And I corrected him. <su|school> :<
< ElAngelo> it's about the most survival city i've been in in the US < RedKennedy> survival isn't an adjective.
<ManicV> i'm saying you're racist <ManicV> and a child molester <eco|w> You're just jealous of my ability to multitask.
<blue_tetris> 1 in every 5 people are born in China. <CF|sick> That's why you should never have more than 4 children.
<knob> anything that starts with a "k" on linux is "gay" <Wyred> heh, same as Konveration <knob> oh shit * knob is now known as gnob
<Green> So my gf left me... I feel like a load of shit <vampireslaya> :( <death_man> Yeah there are these fuckers on IRC who keep shitting on about their damn lives... Fucking gay. <Green> ... <xxXpronXxx> What the hell? <death_man> Erm wrong window <xxXpronXxx> I see <vampireslaya7> Anything else you want to tell us, bitch?
Delilah> I hate parties, because you have to look good, but if you look too good other girls get jealous, and if you look not good enough they talk nasty about you. [kerrrigan] yeah [kerrrigan] that never happens at halo parties
< int0x80> oh man today is my lucky day < int0x80> i ripped this fart, but someone sneezed really loud at exactly the same time < int0x80> so nobody heard my fart <@vom> int0x80: that means an angel got its wings
Nexion: Dustin is so stupid Nexion: i told him, there is no real proof of god Nexion: and he goes there doesn't need to be Nexion: and i said "well then im god" Nexion: and he goes "prove it." Nexion: ...
(@DaySleeper) straight people only need gays for the fashion industry (@DaySleeper) gay people need straights so they don't die out
<Paine> Ah shit guys, I'm fucked. <Criosys> ? <Paine> I was showing my mom the way to download and watch music on the computer downstairs (yeah, illegal, sue me). Anyway, I forgot to factor in the fact that there's an option box to "Search my computer for music files". <Criosys> and...? <Paine> What I DIDN'T know, was that it also adds video files. So about 5 minutes ago, I walked through the living room, saw my mom and sister at the computer watching the visualisations. <Paine> On the way back OUT of the room, the song changed, and all of a sudden, hardcore lesbian porn for my mom and sister to enjoy. <Paine> Now they're banging on the door so I'm turning MY music way up so they can't hear my crying >_<
<Z> Letting XP run for more than a month is like re-using a condom 50 or 60 times <Z> Theoretically it can work, but is sick and ill advised
<HeatZync> what is the use of the calendar? <RogueRunner> it's like DNS for days
<Criznittle> cox.net <dersteer> cox started blocking torrents <badger> coxblocked!
<Sid> SIDS is a sad way for babies to die. <Sid> They could've grown up to be suicide bombers or something interesting. <FingerGauntlet> Well <FingerGauntlet> now you can use the corpses as ammo for small catapults